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Why get enlightened? Get Carlightened.

Are you tired of life in the slow lane? Do you want to be a proactive go getter who takes the bull by the horns and gets out of the rat race bykeeping your eye on the prize? Then Carlightenment is the answer. My name is Car and I embody everything anyone could ever want to be.


Carlightenment - Three Steps to a Better You, Through Me


It’s my revolutionary new program, where I teach you to embrace your true self. See,

everyone has a little Car inside of them, and if properly fed, he will burst out of your chest and take charge of your life!


*Sort of like Alien, but without all the blood.

Want information about Carlightenment?


Your Inner Car



Are you feeling down? Like a retired clown? Do feel stuck in a maze? Let Car Johnson

cut the haze!




More Car

More Panda






Dance like a chicken while singing I’m a little tea pot.


Climb on your roof and recite poetry to your antenna.



Create a plan for an onion juggling act.


Write down seven ways to market a do it yourself enema kit.




Don’t let people steal the bamboo of your heart.


Pandas may be black and white, but your thinking shouldn’t be.




Before Car, I was a boring lawyer. Now I'm a wandering cheese polisher!


Joe Tanner



Free Yourself

Free your Car


You’ll be happier, more successful and live life to the fullest. All you have to do is follow three simple steps:


Spontaneity, Innovation and Panda

*Why Panda? Because they're cool. Plus it also works as a metaphor for eating your way through the bamboo of life.


Dudes and girl dudes, young and not as young, you’re about to hear something that will change your life! I’m not talking about a magical genie like the one my cousin Joe claimed to find. I’m talking about Carlightenment, the self-help course, created by me, Car Johnson, for you, the good people of the world. Do you feel that the gum of life has been chewed and all that’s left is a wad stuck to the bottom of your shoe?


Well, that’s life for you. But with my course, you’ll learn to pick up that gum and continue chewing, while adding new flavor that’s way better than peppermint or cherry. The flavor of life can be anything. Why use cherry when you can use oyster?


That’s the goal of Carlightenment –

to bring out the oyster in all of you. To not only dance to the beat of your own drummer, but your own one man band! How many of you have laughed in the face of death, while offering him a coupon for your scythe sharpening service? I have, even though it was a costume party and Death was really my mother. The point still stands. Laugh at death, giggle at expectations, lightly chuckle at the status quo!


How would you like more spontaneity in your life? Do you wish you could free your creative soul? How about just a bit more panda?

With my course, Carlightenment - Three Steps to a Better You Through Me, you'll free yourself to the life you've always dreamed of. And I don't mean the life you day dream about. I'm talking about real dreams, the kind you have after eating too many fried jalapenos.

You'll learn how to leave your safe world behind and take risks, like wearing a shag carpet shirt when everyone else is strangled by cotton blends. Remember that fear that stopped you from insulting an angry bull, or starting a business for cat toupees? My course will let the part of your brain that yells "Go for it!" smother the part that yells "Stop!" in its sleep.



My son is a very nice young man. You should buy his course.


Susan Johnson

Life's too short for the status quo. With Car's course, I've become a proud chuckler!


Sally Benson





Philosophy on life from Gomer Pyle’s mutant grandson.

Sniff sniff. Woof!



Sparky the Wonder Dog



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You're on your way to Carlightenment and panda!

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